“This is a
really difficult conversation to have with you. I didn’t want to do it. And the
timing is not fair to you.”
I
searched the vice principal’s face.
Guilt.
I know.
Tears fall out of my exhausted eyes, just a few at
a time, as a mixture of feelings torrent through me...
Hurt. Failure. And an
incredible sense of relief…?
My brain instantly sheds hundreds of pounds of
weight.
“I can stop.
I don’t have to bring my students’ books home. I don’t have to mark. I don’t
have to plan. I don’t have to think of strategies to harness my year 7 science
class. The debilitating anxiety can stop. The lonesome, unaided pursuit for
solutions and effective teaching strategies, no more. It’s all over now. I can
let go. I can stop.”
Some tears. I breathe and my shoulders raise and
fall with new ease.
While my brain runs through this tangent of
thoughts the tall, stern, guilty man before me continues to explain the
situation.
He tells me what I already know.
…“It is
obvious that you love and care very much about teaching. No one questions your
commitment.”
No FUCKING kidding.
… “Just this
morning we were given the opportunity to take on a PE and Science teacher with
7 years of experience and couldn’t pass it up.”
...
Pushing, pushing. Never stopping. I run and run with all my might and there is always more road being laid in front, miles and miles ahead. I can’t seem to see the end. There is no clarity and I’m too slow to get there on my own. I fight to keep up hope.
This negative cycle persists and anxiety and self-blame create a dense fog- worsening over time.
I push and hope and push and try...
...and they give up on me.
Disposed of.
I am an agency-based, long term cover teacher. This
status gives me little power and the school little motivation to support and
develop me. Unfortunately, the school
failed to see how collaborating, supporting and developing me would translate
to developing and supporting their students. A sad, egocentric and deeply disheartening sort of tunnel vision that afflicts many schools in the
UK education system.
...
Miss Lame loves teaching. All she wants is to do it
well.
The school's general approach to students was that of control. Maintaining a position above the student was paramount. On the other hand, Miss Lame felt openness, developing mutual respect and dialogue between student and teacher were paramount in connecting with and effectively educating students.
Vice principal: "You are the type of person to give and give and hope that eventually you will get something back. Well these kids will take and keep taking."
Happy, respected, inquiring, engaged students = Miss Lame joy.
The way the “whole-hearted” live…
Seeing my strain and recent hardship my dear friend Nicci sent me along a video clip of a researcher and story-teller by the name of Brene Brown, who she found much inspiration from.
Brene's research attempted to bring clarity to something so powerful and fundamental to our
happiness and success- human connection.
“Connection is why we are here. It gives
purpose and meaning to our lives.”
Shame, fear of unworthiness, “excruciating
vulnerability”, these were the qualities at the core of the deconstruction of
connection with others.
Brene identified that people fell into two
categories- those able to create deep and strong connections with others and
those who struggle to achieve connections with others. She indicated that what
delineated these two types of people were their sense of “worthiness”. There
are individuals who fear being unworthy of love, not enough, while on the
flip-side, there are individuals who Brene designates the “whole-hearted”. Simply put, the “whole-hearted” are “those who have a strong sense of love and
belonging and believe that they are worthy of love and belonging”- a
beautiful, positive feedback loop.
Brene’s research showed that people who embrace
their vulnerability, had the courage to be imperfect and have “compassion to be kind to
themselves first and then to others” were most successful in achieving true
connections with others.
As Brene spoke of the “whole-hearted”, I connected
with her words and felt hopeful and proud and sad all at once. Through my life
I can confidently say that I have been fortunate to fit into the bracket of
self-loving, “whole-hearted” folk. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and
move through my life embracing my whole lame self- goofy, emotional, gassy,
loving, anal-retentive, “Miss Lame with no shame”. As a result of this
authenticity, I have been fortunate to see and experience connections that I
know are true and that I am genuinely worthy of.
On the other hand, as I listen to Brene list off
the crucial qualities that the “whole-hearted” a sadness tugs at my soul as I
realise how much I’ve allowed my recent negative experiences un-ravel my sense
of worthiness.
The past 3 months of teaching in an unsupportive,
unconstructive environment, I failed myself as I neglected to show “compassion
to be kind to myself first and then to others”.
Sleep deprivation and no time allotted for my own thoughts and
adventures… Losing sight of the positive, the achievements, the daily successes
that I so proudly acknowledge and celebrated in the past…Allowing others
negativity to affect me and my perceptions of myself as an educator… Never shutting off… No matter what, I wasn’t enough. Insecurity
and anxiety clouded my thoughts and perceptions of myself as an educator, a
friend and individual- A negative cycle.
As I reflect on this recent hardship I see more and
more how this breakdown of Miss Lame’s feelings of worthiness stretched and
shadowed over all aspects of her life.
My ability to connect with others- my students, my colleagues, my
friends- was deeply affected as I self-doubted.
I recall those moments of shame and incredible feelings of unworthiness,
while I ripped through my home after arriving home from work- a negative
tornado- hurried, abrupt and tense. The thought, “I’m so unlovable right now”,
haunted me as I heard my anxious, strained voice struggle to gain “control” of
my year 7 science class. Five hours of sleep. I couldn’t begin to support my students
and their learning as I couldn’t even support myself.
I believe that through life we can teeter on
Brene’s line of distinction between those who achieve and feel worthy of love
and belonging versus those who struggle with it. I think it is natural that as we grow and
move through life we experience the highs and lows, the fluctuations, in our
sense of worthiness. Life brings on new pressures and circumstances that
forever challenge our security and how firmly we are able to grip on to our
worthiness and build strong and reinforcing connections with others. This is how we learn and what gives us
contrast to better understand and appreciate when life is good and when we are
strong.
An example many of us can relate to…
Your first boyfriend/girlfriend.
The beginning: It’s a playful time- Excitement, laughter, learning about each other- you’re buzzing.A few months in you reach a turning point: You’re beautiful, good, bad, ugly is coming out- ALL of you is being spread out on the table. Exposed. You want to cover up- the bad, the ugly.
You question- “am I lovable?”… “will Hilda/Bobby/Ethel/George want to continue on in this, knowing all my sides?”
“AM I WORTHY OF Hilda/Bobby/Ethel/George’s LOVE?”
What Miss
Lame has learned as she reflects on her recent negative experience and as she
recharges with dear family and friends in Canada…
I AM ENOUGH.
…
Dear
readers- YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I hope you think so too.
Love from,
Miss Lame
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
